Monday, September 14, 2009

I AM.....

Outside my window..... rain. I love the rain! It smells so good and it cools down the air. I makes me think of my Mom....not sure why???? I think I will spend the evening on my porch tonight.

I am thinking.......that the month of October is going to be awful for me! I am already feeling a lot of anxiety over the upcoming anniversary of my Mom's death. I feel a lot of guilt and have not been able to get past that. My mom called me 2 days before she died and asked me to come help her paint a preschool room for the kids she did counseling for. I told her it was not a good weekend because Ashlee and Brandon had their last soccer game that Saturday morning and I did not want to miss them. That was the morning she died. I should have gone home! I missed the darn games anyway! What if I had gone home? What if I had not been so selfish and had been there with her? Maybe she would still be here. Maybe we would have stayed up late painting and then playing gin or something and she would not have died. She died at 4 AM. Did I ever tell anyone that I was up at 4 AM that night??? Nat was here, her baby was sick, I was putting blankets in the wash that had been thrown up on. Why did I not "know" something was wrong??? I am just thinking......

I am thankful for.....See's chocolate and long baths! Don't laugh!!! A long, very hot, bath can make anyone feel better. Sometimes I am sad...sometimes I am tired....sometimes I am just in a darn bad mood but put me in a bath and I feel better. Add some essential oils and See's dark chocolate truffles and I am transformed! Don't know how it works but why question it!!!

I am thankful for my friends. So many people have really tried to bring me comfort this past year. The funny thing is not a single one REALLY knows what I feel or what I am going through but that doesn't change their sincere desire to BE THERE for me. I found out I had friends I did not even know I had! I know I have not been a good friend in return......I have even "pushed" them away by wanting to just be left alone but no one has given up on me. I am very lucky. Someday I will be my old self again.......Anyone have a crystal ball that can tell me WHEN that will be??? I am anxiously waiting! Actually I don't think I will ever be the same again.

I am thankful for Steel know, the movie. My sisters and I all LOVE watching it. Weizer is such a smartly and she really reminds me of Mom. I have watched it several times since she died and it can always make me laugh. I just can't watch it past the scene where Shelby collapses on Halloween. That is just too sad for now. But the rest is a hoot! I think Mom and Weizer may have been best friends in some other life.

I am thankful for mom's sister. I wish I could see her more often but I get to talk to her about once a week and she makes me happy. She is one of the few people who understands the deep sadness I feel. I don't have to try and explain every little thing....she just knows. I love her!

I am wondering......Just how many tragedies we have been spared from? Have your really ever thought about that? Everyday I kneel in prayer and thank Heavenly Father for my blessings. Usually I am specific about things I am grateful for. But the other day I realized that I need to be thankful for the blessings I do not even realize I have received. Like the day one of my kids just may have darted out in front of a car and did not get hit or the day they were playing football and did not get injured or the day they got through dinner without choking. I wonder if my sisters have been protected every time they have gotten on a plane and come to see me.....the plane is delayed for hours and we are that the Lord making sure we were not in harms way? When we ask Heavenly Father to "watch over and protect us" do we really then thank him for doing so or do we "forget" since nothing bad happened? I am just I as grateful as I should be????

I am wearing..... walking shorts and a red V-neck and, of course, flip-flops. What would I do without my collection of flip-flops???

From the kitchen.....banana bread! There is nothing better on rainy, fall days then baking. Today the item of choice was two loaves of banana bread......which came out of the oven 5 minutes ago and one is already gone!!

I am creating..... Nothing special right now. I have made a quilt and learned to make those....ever so bracelet things but other then that I have not been creative at all. Are you is a good day if I just create a "clean" house!

I am going..... to football game after football game!!! Tyler is every Thursday night. The HS varsity team plays on Fridays and we usually go as a family and Brandon plays every Saturday. Ashlee also has a soccer game every Saturday morning. Go, Go, Go!!!

I am reading..... Now that is a good question! I just finished "My Sister's Keeper" and did not love it. I really prefer mystery/suspense type books and am anxiously waiting for Mary Higgins Clark to publish a new one. I have a long wait though.....she is only doing one a year right now (aside from the ones she co writes with her daughter) and that always releases the first Tuesday in April. I guess I need to head over to the library!

I am hoping.... I have the courage to use my chocolate fountain at my Christmas Eve party this year. 2 days before my Mom died, she called me. We talked about a lot of things but one was this awesome chocolate fountain she got for a great deal from some company going out of business. It was a catering company of some kind so the fountain is supposed to be pretty good. She and my Dad spent her last Christmas here with my family and helped me with a get together on Christmas Eve. It was GREAT. She bought the fountain for me. She wanted me to use it on Christmas Eve. I just couldn't do it last year. It is put away....I haven't even opened it. I am trying to convince myself that I can do it this year. Didn't I just say chocolate makes everything better????? We will see.

Around the house.....Don't ask! It is a mess and here I sit on the computer.

One of my favorite things.....talking to my sisters. Thank goodness I have 5 of them. If one is busy I can almost certainly get ahold of another. It is a rare thing for me to go a day without talking to someone from my family. I feel VERY lucky to be one of 6 girls!!!!

A few plans for the rest of the week..... clean the house, stock up on the caselot sale items, clean the fridge and football games!!!

A picture to share.....

This picture of Ashlee makes me laugh......the preteen in her is really beginning to show. She is beginning to really pick up on Alyssa's silly attitude but a twist of her own! We just love her!


Becky said...

Jenn, You are one amazing woman! I really understand the loss of a parent but not a mom. The moments seem to get further between when I just break down because I miss my dad. Remember that the atonement can release you from some of the heartache. I am sad to hear that you are carrying around guilt. It is so hard not knowing what would have or could have happened. Keep your chin up. Like you said you have so much to be thankful for.
Love ya,

Melissa said...

I think that it is kinda normal to have those what if regrets. I will always regret unplugging my phone the night my Dad died and missing the phone calls and the chance to go and see him before he passed away. There are moments it haunts me more than others. I love the pic of Ashley. Miss teaching her class!

Kim Rose said...

I don't think we will ever be the same. It just changes you forever. Darren keeps wondering when I will be normail again too. :(
Love you so much... know you are not alone in your thoughts and axiety. Mine are 10 fold.

Michele said...

Jenn I just think you're awesome and I hope you know how much I love you and you are in my thoughts. If I didn't work so much I would love to spend more time hanging out or even talking to you on the phone too! I suck! Love ya! :D

Natalie said...

How can you not like my sisters keeper, the movie is cute too. But a good mystery is right up your alley.
I am always here for you and am so grateful for sisters, they are the best. You could have not csaved mom, so don't blame yourself. Mom would be sad if you do that.

Rhoadesfamily said...

one of my favorite sayings is "there is nothing in life that prayer and chocolate can't handle." so keep praying and eat those yummy chocolates. You are awesome and strong eventhough you may not think so right now, i love ya and wish we were closer. I am here if ya need to talk. It will get easier i heard. Heavenly Father is right by your side.
luv ya, maria

Heidi B C said...

I loved this post and think I might have to do the same thing. I loved the thankful thing about not knowing what we are being blessed or spared from each day but to be thankful for it anyway!

Kim said... you. :)

Flynn Fam 6 said...

I liked visiting your blog and reading everything you had to say. We love you ; )

The Flynn's said...

I was up at the same time Mom died too. Weird!!! Jarom and Laura were here and Laura's baby had woken up and I got up because I could hear Laura looking for something in the kitchen. It was 6 am my time. I think about that a lot!

Isabel said...